I have been looking for sources of true motivation, trying to escape anxiety-driven performance. My daily experience is that of a person hijacked by a todo list, every waking hour of the day. There is very little respite. I looked for answers in Cal Newport’s Slow Productivity and Zen teachings. My default social media diet causes enough FOMO that I do not stick to better habits. So I decided to get back to therapy. What I found there is my anchor.
I came to the US in 2007 as a hopeful, naive person. I was raised in a culture that imparts a desire to achieve among young people. My parents had to take on substantial debt for my education abroad, and I had to start paying interest on the loan two years into my education to keep it from compounding. This meant that I had to figure out a way to generate income while being a student. Luckily, I found my advisor, Prof. Subbarao, two months into my journey here. He offered me funding, which was a huge relief. It kept me from having to take on more debt from India, and I could pay interest on whatever I had taken on until that point.
At that time, I was really trying to prove to myself that I was competent. I was unhappy being stuck in an IT services company working on identity and access management, early cloud stuff, which I found less interesting. I wanted to work in computer vision. The idea of stitching multiple images together seemed so much cooler. I wanted to learn everything properly. I also wanted to have fun, be free, go on dates, etc. Sometimes I found myself slipping by spending hours reading Wikipedia, chatting with friends on GChat, watching movies, or having late-night philosophical discussions. I got a couple of bad grades and had to go through surgery on my hand due to a completely avoidable kitchen accident. On the one hand, I had found stability in funding and a path working for my advisor. On the other, I was slipping and making mistakes.
I did what a naive 23-year-old would do. I became a self-help productivity junkie obsessed with avoiding mistakes. I had started realizing that if I squandered this opportunity, it was entirely my fault, so I raised the stakes mentally to try to be perfect. I lost touch with friends, did not date, and worked myself to the bone. I finished my PhD by 26 and graduated when I ran out of funding. I took the first job I found and started working at Cognex on F1-CPT in September 2011. In four years, I had finished my PhD and started working in computer vision. My obsession with finishing and attaining security had taken over my life completely. After graduation, I felt a sense of emptiness. It was a long clawback from depression and isolation to a healthier outlook. In that process, I had built a system reliant on anxiety to meet my goals.
This is what therapy helped me see. The drumbeat of productivity, life optimization, and hustle culture were all part of this larger theme that kept me anchored to anxiety. I ended up feeling like I could accomplish anything, but I could not find a spark of joy. Therefore, I had become hijacked by my todo list. I was unable to see things clearly until I took time to understand myself better. My ultimate conclusion was that I had made up a parent-like persona in me that watched over me and criticized me. Its job was to give me security in life through accomplishments. I was doing things to appease this persona at the cost of my mental health and relationships. At this rate, I was going to have a mediocre relationship with my wife and my daughter. It wasn’t worth it.
I went back to therapy looking for myself. I came across the excellent Permission to Feel around the same time. Reading it, along with therapy, helped me observe my feelings. I realized that we all go through ups and downs each day. Any scary deadline, a bug that is blocking customers, etc., sends a jolt of anxiety through your body. Its purpose is to help you focus and be engaged. It’s okay to feel that. Your body is built that way. But it doesn’t mean you are an anxious person. You become anxious when you stop processing your feelings and let them take over. Whether you are experiencing joy, sadness, happiness, or anger, you are the same person. You are the common factor in all those different states of being. Once I realized this, I felt calm. I felt in touch with myself, as if a fog had lifted.
Over the next few weeks it became apparent that my daughter, my wife, my parents, and other close ones are deeply important to me. My time and relationships with them are what bring meaning to my life, not accomplishments. That sense of purpose is my anchor. It feeds my motivation and keeps me focused on what is important to me. This is my shield against getting sucked into FOMO and then living someone else’s life because of it. I am free.