I have been wanting to write for a long time. I have been putting it off. Sometimes, my reason is that I don’t have much to say about a topic. If it’s scientific computing, then my mind goes “there have been many books written on it already” or “what do I know about Fourier Transforms that hasn’t been said already?” Other times, the reason is I don’t have a good title for my blog post. My mind goes: “How embarrassing it would be if my blog becomes famous and I have a lame title?” I haven’t kept track, but I have spent dozens of hours of my life thinking about the title of a yet-to-exist blog. That’s just silly. I know it, but I keep doing it still. It usually happens when I have an epiphany. That sends me down a spiral about how that one insight is the thing upon which my blog (and life, why not?) will be based.
I have now come to understand that this is perfectionism. It is the underlying reason for not taking action. That until something is great—by some vague metric—it’s not worth doing. That there’s no point in wasting time on something unless it’s going to be great. That’s perfectionism.
Perfectionists care about how their work is perceived by others. The metrics are all external. “I hope they will like it.” “This will blow their minds.” “They will know that I was the first one to say it.” This of course is the result of one’s conditioning - the way one’s brought up. A child growing up in an environment where test scores and such achievements are highly valued learns to peg their worth to external validation. The person’s identity is shaped by achievements and recognition. The person may develop an unhealthy, self-debasing way of looking at their own work. “What do I know about Fourier Transform?” It may help the person excel academically where being detailed and thorough gets you good grades, but shortchange them for life.
Perfectionists can get stuck. Learning something new requires one to go through a period of subpar results. If you cannot tolerate that then, you cannot get better. There is cruel irony here.
Perfectionists can develop imposter syndrome. They have a hard time accepting any praise or recognition they receive. Perfectionists think that everyone thinks they are imposters. **So it must be shocking to them when they get any recognition. This is also insidious. It can manifest in two distinct ways. One way is: You care about external rewards. You motivate yourself to work on something. You get a reward. You are shocked. The second way is: You set yourself an insanely high bar. You work yourself to death meeting that bar. You don’t get a reward or if you get a reward, it doesn’t live up to your standard. You are shattered. To a perfectionist, no reward will ever live up because there’s no such thing as the perfect reward. Or perfect anything. **
Perfectionists will not raise their hand up to go and do something risky at work or take on challenging assignments. “What if I fail?” When they do take on an assignment, they chide themselves for every misstep to the point of misery. “He wouldn’t make that mistake.” A moderate amount of anxiety helps people be detail-oriented and perform better, but excessive anxiety is unhealthy and counterproductive.
People with imposter syndrome might come across as pushovers. Others can usually tell that there’s a lack of confidence in a person with Imposter Syndrome. Executives don’t trust such people; they often get passed up for difficult assignments. This person is brilliant, but may not deliver when the stakes are high.
So what’s the solution? Perfectionism and imposter syndrome stem from caring too much about results. You grew up in an environment where results and only results mattered. Everyone talked about test scores. You were often asked about your grades, and watched people say, ‘This kid is smart—he got 100% in math.’ If you made a mistake, then grown ups discussed the mistake first, leaving aside the parts where you got things right. That was emotionally painful as a child since the only attention you would get from grown ups is when you made mistakes. Things naturally became about avoiding mistakes at all costs. It became second nature to you to go about life in this way. You became a perfectionist.
You define success as the outcome. Getting 100% in math is success, anything else is scope for negative attention. It’s all or nothing. Reaching a milestone. Achieving a goal. It’s binary. You fail to realize that outcomes are not in your control.
You want to up-skill so that you can find a job. You try to learn a new skill, but get deflated when you receive a rejection. You want to learn a musical instrument. You don’t practice because you suck at playing the song you love. There are many versions of this playing out in our lives every day. This is a bad loop that you must break out of. You must change the definition of success.
Success should only be based on the things in your control. If you are up-skilling, then, being able to do something you couldn’t is success. That’s true, even though better job prospects is what made you up-skill in the first place. You spend an hour on coding - success! You learned about a new concept - success! You must send that signal to your brain so that it learns to enjoy doing. Being able to play - bit by bit - the song you love is the reward. This is simple but not easy. It requires constant reminder to break up the bad habits. Those habits that keep you in the loop are nothing but ossified neural pathways that help the brain conserve energy - the system 1 circuitry. It can be broken with practice, self reflection and daily affirmations. Eventually you will get to a place of joy in the process. That’s a good goal.
Life without the burden of perfectionism will feel liberating. You have a problem, you go about solving it. The solution is the reward. No awards or recognition needed. This doesn’t happen overnight. Little by little old habits will be broken with practice. In time, you will experience joy and genuine self-confidence.